Oh hey. Hi. Hello. 안녕하세요. こんにちは.


If you can count on me for one thing, it’s that I make promises that I don’t keep.

I feel like all I’ve been doing is searching. Searching for what I want to do in life, searching for finding peace, searching for what makes m happy. It’s a long process that I have moments in time where I think I’ve started to get it, and then I just fall back. What I do know is that I can only keep going forward.

One of the things that I have found is that although I love posting on Youtube, the thing that has been stopping me is the content. It is just not good for me, mentally, to continue talking about weight loss or food or health as much as I do. It effects me in ways I don’t realize (and some that I do). It’s something that I have found very late in the game, but here we are. I talked about it a little bit in the beginning of this blog I posted a couple of weeks ago:

What I do know is that creating content and talking about what I love is something that I want to do. I love the interaction, I love that it’s a creative outlet that I don’t do as a job (sometimes, having a job that involves your passions really hinders the want to do it in your time off) and that it challenges me in ways that are completely different than anything else in my life.

As I said in the video, I am switching up things. After debating, I’m cutting back on talking about the things that are what that channel is mainly about, and incorporating more of the other things I love. I tried this in my vlogs, but I knew that wasn’t enough. I want to talk more about the Korean dramas I’m watching, or podcasts I love in dedicated videos. I want to talk about the nerdy things, and maybe even when I’m feeling creative the arty stuff.

I also still want to talk about vegan things. This won’t go away, I’m just going to be more delicate around it, for my mental health. What I won’t be talking about, at least as of now, is weight loss. It’s just something I can’t do, and it what has been making me not want to upload any videos.

I’m doing what every site is telling me not to do, and not sticking with one true “genre” of content. But screw it. As the title of this website implies, this is about life. And I’m a vegan, Korean drama addict, who annoys her coworkers by listening to murder podcasts and J-pop, and sometimes sews random things while learning new languages. I’m a dork, and a nerd and a geek, and someone who is not just one thing.

I hope you enjoy this part of my journey.

Also, now that I’m back in a normal schedule at work I will be continuing things that I’ve wanted to do here (mainly the Eva reviews).

I love all who are still here for my crazy journey.


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What I’m Watching: May/June

Seeing as I have been posting (kind of) regularly these past couple of days, I thought I would try to keep it up. Its been a nice break from my head, and has been a great way to keep my mind off of my anxieties, especially when I have bouts of insomnia.

I’m not going to pretend I’m something that I’m not. I’m a binger. I would rather spend time doing a marathon of a series over watching something weekly. I know that it is not the best, but I think growing up with numerous X-Files cliffhangers has made me crave the instant gratification of being able to continue with series. I will let my DVR fill up with the shows I’m currently watching that are airing so that I will watch them in a marathon.

Because of this, I never expected to have a watch list, but over the past couple of weeks I’ve been watching bits and pieces of shows and thought I would create a list of the things that I’m currently watching. Some of these I’m forced to watch a couple of times a week because they are still airing, but there are a few that I own/have access to the entire series that I’m slowly going through.

My Secret Romance (DramaFever): I’m pretty sure this drama ends this week or the next, and to be honest it is not the best show, but has kept my interest enough to keep watching it when it comes out.

Queen of Mystery (DramaFever): I’m only adding this because I’m technically still watching it, I’m on episode 4, but I doubt that I will continue it though. I know if I’m going to like something pretty quickly and didn’t like this one from the beginning but kept pushing through just in case it was a rough first episode…it’s looking like I should listen to myself. But I’ll keep it on for the time being (this is also still airing).

Neon Genesis Evangelion (DVD): As I wrote in my last post, I’m doing to rewatch of this series

Circle Two Worlds Connected (DramaFever): Ok, so I’m lying to you a slight bit, this drama just came out the other day and I haven’t officially started it, but I am going to tonight. It’s the first drama since Goblin that I’ve been excited about the show from the previews.

That’s it, fairly short list all things considering. I’d thought I’d also include shows that I have finished recently-ish:

Your Lie in April (CrunchyRoll): I literally just finished this one last night. I admit I binged this one over a couple of days, but it really was great. It’s the first anime that I’ve watched in a long time that I don’t already own/have seen previously. Really great storyline, especially if you were ever in music/arts world and experienced a life of competitions and rehearsals (like I have!). So good.

RH Plus (CrunchyRoll): I wanted this to be even just ok, and it was terribly cheesy but somehow I pushed through this series to finish it (i.e. I skipped through most of it). The acting was terrible.

My Little Lover (Netflix): I have a theory on Asian dramas: the weirder the plot the better it’s going to be. This one is the embodiment of that theory. I started to watch it because I’m getting desperate for J-dramas, and didn’t think I’d actually like it. But I got hooked. I would have loved this one in high school.

The Cravings (Netflix): This is a short drama (each episode is about 10 minutes long) but I loved the concept. The main character makes food in each episode using what she has – mostly leftovers and at the end of the episode they have an actual recipe clip. It was an easy watch.

Marriage Not Dating (DramaFever): Sometimes it’s nice to watch a series that you don’t have to think about. This wasn’t spectacular by any means, but it was entertaining enough to watch the entire series.

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon (DramaFever): This was a very adorable drama, and really loved it (up until the last episode, sigh). I would recommend this one.

Koinaka (Viki): I started this one a very long time ago, enjoyed it, but slowly stopped watching it and didn’t pick it up for months. I finally finished the series and really enjoyed it. I’m just happy that it’s a j-drama that isn’t set in high school (at least for most of the series).

So those are the shows I’m currently watching, and some that I have finished up recently. I might start doing more reviews like I am with Evangelion, but for now I’ll focus on just writing about Eva. I can be flighty sometimes, and am known to randomly pick up series, so maybe I’ll do these updates on a semi-regular basis? Monthly? I think it might be a fun recap of what I’m watching and show the types of dramas/anime I’m into, and really solidify how much of a life I don’t have that I can watch all of these things :)

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Project Rewatch Eva: 00

I started watching anime a very long time ago. It was back when, although not impossible, it was extremely hard to find and purchase anime. It was also extremely expensive. It was just starting to appear on Cartoon Network (although, that means you were forced to watch the dubbed version), but even then if you wanted to get a specific show you have to either:

  • Pay the enormous amount of money for the series. Volumes consisted of 2-4 episodes and started at $30 per volume. That means spending hundreds of dollars on one series alone (think about that the next time you look at how many episodes a show like Rurouni Kenshin is)
  • Or you had to search for forums where people were selling fan subs of shows. Not for a cheaper option, but because it was the only way you were able to watch the majority of anime that hadn’t been translated.

Now, it’s super easy to find shows for incredibly cheap. Last year I bought the DVD set of Serial Experiments Lain for like $20. I have my old DVD, which was the first volume – the first two episodes – that was $30 when I bought it at a convention. Kids these days don’t even know. You can stream anime online now, in multiple places. Anime is easier to find, and it’s why I have been starting to dabble into watching it again.

I’m actually not a very good anime watcher, I don’t like most of the animes out there, and the pretty specific type of style of entertainment that is prevalent in anime, so I’m extremely picky on what I watch. Over the years I’ve just gone to rewatching what I own, because I knew I would like it as opposed to sifting through numerous amount of first episodes.

To really solidify feeling how I old I really am, I have decided to embark on a rewatch of my very first anime series: Neon Genesis Evangelion. When I first watched Eva, the series was set in the future: 2015. I know. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been out of high school for this long and that the world of this anime is now not the future.

I also decided that it might be fun to make it a little bit of more than just me sitting and watching the show, and have decided to start doing recaps every couple of episodes. If you haven’t watched the show, or don’t know the plot, it’s a pretty intricate storyline and definitely set up to be able to really look at it more than just as entertainment and really analyze the storyline. I’m also excited to see it as over 30 Jessie, as opposed to high school Jessie. I haven’t watched any episode in a very long time (I didn’t own the series), so I’m excited to see how I perceive the series now. Even though I still know quite a bit about the series, I know that I will not remember everything and I’m excited to see it again.

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I don’t think it’s any sort of secret that I am always changing things about this blog. I have a number of posts that say I’m going to do something that I never do. I’m not consistent (even when I very much want to be), and I feel like it’s just constantly trying to be something that it’s not. It just hasn’t felt right.

So I’ve decided to change things up. Slightly, but a change. I had created this blog initially to follow my weight loss journey, and to angle it more toward veganism. I was going to have reviews from restaurants or products, discussions, and tips. While I still want to do that, I don’t want it to be everything that is on this blog. I don’t have the passion for it any more and that creates a huge problem in my wanting to write in this frequently. Especially when I do want to talk about those things every once in a while, but not every time I post. I write because it’s a creative outlet for me. I used to write all the time back in high school/college. My favorite subjects were in English/Creative Writing. I was in a ton of RP forums, and wrote fan fic. I just found a folder of massive amounts of stories that I used to write.

Every site that talks about how you are supposed to set up blogs, highly frowns upon not focusing on one subject. And I’ve been following that. Even at the risk of it not making me like what I’m making….and then you see me talk about how I’m going to follow a specific posting schedule and not follow it. It’s annoying to me, too.

I want to talk about more things about my life and what I like. I’m weird, and love a ton of random things. I love the X-files and quilting. I am obsessed with Korean dramas and can binge them like crazy. I love reading, I love sci-fi and fantasy. I’m starting to get back into anime. I want to learn Japanese and Korean. I want to get better a upholstery. I want to find interesting vegan restaurants and products and talk about them occasionally.

I think the actual title of the site speaks for itself. This is about my life, and I have a number of different things that I’m passionate about, and I want to talk about all of my passions in one place, not separate them into different areas or blogs. So, if you were here for just a weightloss/vegan blog, I’m sorry. It’s not who I am, it’s just a tiny fraction of me.

I want this to be a blog about me, and really at this point I’m just trying to find me again.

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a rambling turning point.

Anxiety can really mess up with your head. I’ve been struggling with it for a while now, this is no secret, but these past couple of years its been showing its ugliness more than ever. I’ve spent time wondering about things that I could have done, and have been stuck in an endless cycle of wishing I had done things differently, and allowing it to let me live in a constant state of not moving forward.

Don’t get me wrong, not everything I have done up until this point has been horrible, or cause for a lack of experiencing great things, but I have let my anxiety stop me from a whole lot of things that I care not to admit. But, I have to. I have to face what I have done and realize that the past is the past, and there is nothing more to do than to learn from it, grow, and move on to becoming a better person. Sure, I can continue to wonder what could have been, but what is the point of doing that? It gives me no motivation, and creates and endless cycle that I continue to be stuck in. I have to get over that fact, and continue on. It’s the only way to get out of it, and to make this situation become a positive one. This is extremely silly to say, but I feel that things really came to a true point of awakening for me when I decided to learn Japanese.

I feel that when I moved here (KY), I in some ways gave up parts of myself that made me happy. Without even realizing it, I became a different person. It wasn’t (for the most part) to impress or to seem better, but it was an adaption of the situation and surroundings. In high school I loved the things I loved so passionately. Looking back, a lot of that passion came from sharing the same excitement and love of something with other people. I left those people behind and found new relationships. But they were different. I moved from people who shared my interests, to people who didn’t.

This is coming across, as I don’t know how to explain it better in words, as a terrible thing. It wasn’t, it was just a different set of new relationships than I was use to. I adapted to those people, not in a negative way, just in a way that was different. I didn’t have the people who shared some of the things I was passionate about in my life.

I think one of the most beautiful things about a relationship with anyone, is finding a mutual passion about something, especially when it’s something that might be out of the norm. When you both are in love with something so much, and just get why the other person could love it as much as you. The connection is much stronger than showing your passion to someone who doesn’t quite understand why. It doesn’t make those other people less of importance in your life, but it does quietly change things about yourself.

I came here, and didn’t have those people that shared that passion like I had in the past. And slowly, and unbeknownst to me, I changed. I let go of those passions because I didn’t have others to fan the flame. I didn’t have anyone to share in those things on a one-on-one basis. It was unintentional, and I didn’t realize it until I decided to start learning Japanese. All of a sudden, I realized what I was missing, and how it had actually effected me more than I had ever realized. I had lost a part of me silently. In some ways I think it would have been easier for me to have made an active choice in how I changed. I would have been able to pinpoint why I couldn’t realize why I felt I was missing something about myself, and desperately trying to find out what.

I’ve been living in the what ifs for far too long, that it is now a part of my identity. What if I had lost the weight and pursued acting instead of props? What if I had kept true to myself in what I wanted to do, but was too afraid that I wouldn’t succeed? What if I just did something without questioning how I’ll come across or the judgement of who might see it?

From now on I strive to be passionate about the things I love, from the smallest simplest thing to the more complex. I will not forget what makes me truly happy, and embrace that even the silliest of things can do a world of difference in your life. I will learn from my past and move forward, using that as a stepping stone to what I want to accomplish in my life. I will stop living a world of negative what ifs. It doesn’t matter if it’s a what if if I don’t try to do the things to turn that what if into a possibility. I will learn to love myself, and in turn accomplish the steps to make me healthier both mentally in physically.

And finally, I will not be bogged down with the fact that I’m doing this at this point in my life. It doesn’t matter now what age this happens, no one is perfect and no one follows a certain path in life, in a certain age or time.

I am different, and that is ok because it’s normal.

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Life is Hard.

It’s been quite a while since I last posted in this blog (over two months, which lets face it friends, is nothing new for me). I had gotten into a really great routine at work where I was bringing my computer and either working on the blog or working on Japanese studies during lunch. Even though it was semi-sad to be consistently shunning myself from everyone in the break room, and not just getting to hang out while on lunch hour, it was kind of nice to feel accomplished. I was much more apt to work on things during the day then in the morning or after work.

Then Humana happened.

I feel I talk enough about Humana that you probably already saw what was coming. This is my ninth season at Actors and every year I know what I’m getting into, but I never really put that into use as how greatly it will effect me and the things outside of work. Humana came, again kicked my butt, and I was working with very little spare time to get all the shows done. On top of it, I fell into a weird sort of semi-depression/anxiety state where I, up until even today, have been contemplating why I do the things I do, why I’m where I am, and really focusing on the things I haven’t accomplished that I wanted to say I had, at this point in my life.

It’s been wrecking with my self-esteem and I’ve felt that nothing I do is worthy or important. It’s a hell place to be in, consistently in your “failures” while constantly reminding yourself of your age and how it’ll probably never happen. It’s really hard to come out of it and feel good. When I feel good about myself and the outlook on life, I’m much more creative. I want to make videos and write posts. I make art, I feel good. And when I do those things I’m much happier. Those things give me purpose and make me feel better. It’s a vicious cycle, but now as I am currently unemployed for the summer, I have a little bit of a much needed break to really focus on things.

I’ve stumbled upon some videos online that have been both enjoyable and in some ways inspiring. There is a channel called the Korean Englishman. It’s fairly popular (although judging by the comments, maybe a little more popular in Korea?). It’s more about travel, but the main person on it, Jake, has a great love of Korea and the Korean culture. He’s so in love, that he has effected everyone around him. He has series where he takes friends to Korea so that they can see what made him fall in love with the country and culture, and through the episodes there is not a moment you don’t feel the genuine love that he has for showing everyone what he holds so dear. It’s inspiring in a way that I haven’t been inspired in a while. To see his level of love and passion, and how he uses creative outlets to show that is incredible. I’m hoping that I can use that positivity to get back some of what makes me happy creatively, and start doing more.

I’m using this summer to catch up on life, to do things that genuinely make me happy, and to work through all the mental crap that is in my head. I won’t say a schedule, since I can’t keep up with those and it’s just one more mental notch of failure, but I will say this: I will make attempts to post more here, and on my videos. I’m also making attempts to do things outside of my comfort level. I’ve talked about wanting to do different things (that aren’t just the cookie-cutter grocery haul), but there are other things that I want to do that might just happen. We’ll see.

I have to remember that even though this is being posted somewhere public, everything I do I do for me alone. I’m just happy to have people along the journey.

Until next time (which will more than likely be a happier update post),



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