I’m pushing off posting the last of my California pictures another day…because I can. I also felt like just writing today as opposed to talking about pictures.
My car is finally back in my possession, which is nice because getting to and from work would have been a lot harder if it were gone for much longer. I’m glad that the stress and anxiety is gone because of this, and I can focus on other things.
I’m on my second day of wearing my FitBit and getting up earlier for my H4H challenge this week, and I am happy to say that I am succeeding in both. Today it was hard to wake up, though, so it wasn’t as early as I wanted to. It was mostly do to not going to sleep till very late which always makes waking up even harder. Hopefully that with not getting as much sleep last night I’ll be able to fall asleep early tonight.
I wanted to talk about some things because I’ve been on a creative high since I left VidCon and California. It might be because of the combination of doing something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time and actually allowing myself to give into that plays a part in this. Not caring about insecurities or obstacles and just being in a space where there is so much excitement about creation, has caused me to really step back and look at the things that I want to do. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so excited about making videos, or even writing blog posts here. I have ideas that I’m following through with. I’ve been keeping up on a schedule. I’ve even been writing a lot more. And it’s been easier to do all of these things. I don’t feel like I’m perpetually behind.
Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I started to think about some of the projects I have been planning to do for a long time and have never had the courage to, or know where to start. And then, I just started writing. I have so many ideas that I’m finally putting down on paper and coming up with some exciting things. And I’m really happy that I will start being able to do them. Anxiety can put such a weight on things that I want to do, and stop me from doing so very many things. I always felt that maybe I wasn’t good enough, or that I didn’t have the qualifications to say what I needed to say. I’ve been slowly chipping away at that anxiety and saying fuck it. I’ll do what I want.
Obviously I won’t do something like make a whole video about diet and health when I have no background or teaching in it and could lead to someone else getting hurt, but I’m going to stop telling myself maybe or what if and just do it. I’ve been wanting to do a series on veganism for a while. I want to focus on making it more accessible to people who may feel it’s hard, or feel that they might be an outsider in the vegan community. I want it to be real (contrary to what you’ve heard from other vegans, giving up cheese is really hard), and I want it to help people in a direction where they can feel more comfortable with the idea. I think it’s going to be a great series, and I think I’ll have a lot of fun doing it and coming up with new ideas.
I think another thing that has been hard for me in terms of creation on my videos is that I don’t really have anyone in my life, especially here in Louisville, who gets it. YouTube is some foreign object that I have to explain in detail about, and still get met with weird looks. It’s hard to get past that feeling of loneliness or being made to feel weird about what you like to do because others don’t get it. I know that for me it really pulls on my insecurities and heightens my anxiety, sending my self confidence down. I’m still trying to move past that (it’s not going to happen overnight) and it is still really hard at times, but I’ve been slowly adjusting to trying not to care, or just focusing on making great, meaningful content.
As a side bonus, I really think that it is one of the biggest reasons I’m being successful in the H4H challenge, and that I’m seeing it on the scale. I’m much more willing to do the challenges and strive to be better than I have in a long time. Schedules and new routines have not only helped me better manage time (which is a struggle now that I’m into my first week back at work) and routine helps with my cravings and binges. I focus on other things than weight, food, and how I look. And it’s been really great.