It’s been quite a while since I last posted in this blog (over two months, which lets face it friends, is nothing new for me). I had gotten into a really great routine at work where I was bringing my computer and either working on the blog or working on Japanese studies during lunch. Even though it was semi-sad to be consistently shunning myself from everyone in the break room, and not just getting to hang out while on lunch hour, it was kind of nice to feel accomplished. I was much more apt to work on things during the day then in the morning or after work.
Then Humana happened.
I feel I talk enough about Humana that you probably already saw what was coming. This is my ninth season at Actors and every year I know what I’m getting into, but I never really put that into use as how greatly it will effect me and the things outside of work. Humana came, again kicked my butt, and I was working with very little spare time to get all the shows done. On top of it, I fell into a weird sort of semi-depression/anxiety state where I, up until even today, have been contemplating why I do the things I do, why I’m where I am, and really focusing on the things I haven’t accomplished that I wanted to say I had, at this point in my life.
It’s been wrecking with my self-esteem and I’ve felt that nothing I do is worthy or important. It’s a hell place to be in, consistently in your “failures” while constantly reminding yourself of your age and how it’ll probably never happen. It’s really hard to come out of it and feel good. When I feel good about myself and the outlook on life, I’m much more creative. I want to make videos and write posts. I make art, I feel good. And when I do those things I’m much happier. Those things give me purpose and make me feel better. It’s a vicious cycle, but now as I am currently unemployed for the summer, I have a little bit of a much needed break to really focus on things.
I’ve stumbled upon some videos online that have been both enjoyable and in some ways inspiring. There is a channel called the Korean Englishman. It’s fairly popular (although judging by the comments, maybe a little more popular in Korea?). It’s more about travel, but the main person on it, Jake, has a great love of Korea and the Korean culture. He’s so in love, that he has effected everyone around him. He has series where he takes friends to Korea so that they can see what made him fall in love with the country and culture, and through the episodes there is not a moment you don’t feel the genuine love that he has for showing everyone what he holds so dear. It’s inspiring in a way that I haven’t been inspired in a while. To see his level of love and passion, and how he uses creative outlets to show that is incredible. I’m hoping that I can use that positivity to get back some of what makes me happy creatively, and start doing more.
I’m using this summer to catch up on life, to do things that genuinely make me happy, and to work through all the mental crap that is in my head. I won’t say a schedule, since I can’t keep up with those and it’s just one more mental notch of failure, but I will say this: I will make attempts to post more here, and on my videos. I’m also making attempts to do things outside of my comfort level. I’ve talked about wanting to do different things (that aren’t just the cookie-cutter grocery haul), but there are other things that I want to do that might just happen. We’ll see.
I have to remember that even though this is being posted somewhere public, everything I do I do for me alone. I’m just happy to have people along the journey.
Until next time (which will more than likely be a happier update post),