a rambling turning point.

Anxiety can really mess up with your head. I’ve been struggling with it for a while now, this is no secret, but these past couple of years its been showing its ugliness more than ever. I’ve spent time wondering about things that I could have done, and have been stuck in an endless cycle of wishing I had done things differently, and allowing it to let me live in a constant state of not moving forward.

Don’t get me wrong, not everything I have done up until this point has been horrible, or cause for a lack of experiencing great things, but I have let my anxiety stop me from a whole lot of things that I care not to admit. But, I have to. I have to face what I have done and realize that the past is the past, and there is nothing more to do than to learn from it, grow, and move on to becoming a better person. Sure, I can continue to wonder what could have been, but what is the point of doing that? It gives me no motivation, and creates and endless cycle that I continue to be stuck in. I have to get over that fact, and continue on. It’s the only way to get out of it, and to make this situation become a positive one. This is extremely silly to say, but I feel that things really came to a true point of awakening for me when I decided to learn Japanese.

I feel that when I moved here (KY), I in some ways gave up parts of myself that made me happy. Without even realizing it, I became a different person. It wasn’t (for the most part) to impress or to seem better, but it was an adaption of the situation and surroundings. In high school I loved the things I loved so passionately. Looking back, a lot of that passion came from sharing the same excitement and love of something with other people. I left those people behind and found new relationships. But they were different. I moved from people who shared my interests, to people who didn’t.

This is coming across, as I don’t know how to explain it better in words, as a terrible thing. It wasn’t, it was just a different set of new relationships than I was use to. I adapted to those people, not in a negative way, just in a way that was different. I didn’t have the people who shared some of the things I was passionate about in my life.

I think one of the most beautiful things about a relationship with anyone, is finding a mutual passion about something, especially when it’s something that might be out of the norm. When you both are in love with something so much, and just get why the other person could love it as much as you. The connection is much stronger than showing your passion to someone who doesn’t quite understand why. It doesn’t make those other people less of importance in your life, but it does quietly change things about yourself.

I came here, and didn’t have those people that shared that passion like I had in the past. And slowly, and unbeknownst to me, I changed. I let go of those passions because I didn’t have others to fan the flame. I didn’t have anyone to share in those things on a one-on-one basis. It was unintentional, and I didn’t realize it until I decided to start learning Japanese. All of a sudden, I realized what I was missing, and how it had actually effected me more than I had ever realized. I had lost a part of me silently. In some ways I think it would have been easier for me to have made an active choice in how I changed. I would have been able to pinpoint why I couldn’t realize why I felt I was missing something about myself, and desperately trying to find out what.

I’ve been living in the what ifs for far too long, that it is now a part of my identity. What if I had lost the weight and pursued acting instead of props? What if I had kept true to myself in what I wanted to do, but was too afraid that I wouldn’t succeed? What if I just did something without questioning how I’ll come across or the judgement of who might see it?

From now on I strive to be passionate about the things I love, from the smallest simplest thing to the more complex. I will not forget what makes me truly happy, and embrace that even the silliest of things can do a world of difference in your life. I will learn from my past and move forward, using that as a stepping stone to what I want to accomplish in my life. I will stop living a world of negative what ifs. It doesn’t matter if it’s a what if if I don’t try to do the things to turn that what if into a possibility. I will learn to love myself, and in turn accomplish the steps to make me healthier both mentally in physically.

And finally, I will not be bogged down with the fact that I’m doing this at this point in my life. It doesn’t matter now what age this happens, no one is perfect and no one follows a certain path in life, in a certain age or time.

I am different, and that is ok because it’s normal.

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